“If your baby is going to die, and it doesn’t have to, it shouldn’t matter how much money you make,” he said. “I think that’s something that, whether you’re a Republican or a Democrat or something else, we all agree on that, right?”
“This isn’t football,” he said. “There are no teams. We are the team, it’s the United States. Don’t let their partisan squabbles divide us on something every decent person wants.”
Will the President Go on ‘Shark Tank’?
Congress agreed to a budget deal over the weekend. Trevor Noah noted on “The Daily Show” that after much back-and-forth on the issue, the agreement didn’t include funding for President Trump’s border wall.
“First Mexico won’t pay, now Congress won’t pay. Trump is running out of options. Right? He’s either going to have to launch a Kickstarter or go on ‘Shark Tank.’ Which would be really humiliating, because then we have to ask for money from real billionaires.” — TREVOR NOAH
Conan O’Brien on Trump’s New Friends
Conan O’Brien is a little bothered by the foreign leaders Mr. Trump has chosen to praise lately.
“Over the weekend, President Trump invited brutal Filipino dictator Rodrigo Duterte to visit the White House. Yeah, it’s the first time Trump has ever said the words, ‘Rodrigo, please come to America.’ He doesn’t get to say that very often.” — CONAN O’BRIEN
“President Trump also said he would be honored, honored to meet North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un. Trump said, ‘He’s my kind of guy: He’s crazy, he’s overweight, and he has a ridiculous haircut. We should get together. It’s time we talked.’” — CONAN O’BRIEN
The Punchiest Punchlines (Historical Edition)
“He held a rally in Pennsylvania. The theme of that rally? ‘Promises Made, Promises Kept.’ Which is better than the original slogan, ‘Promises Made, Never Mind, Never Said It, Fake News, Watch ‘Fox And Friends.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT, discussing Mr. Trump’s celebration of his first 100 days as president
“In an interview today, President Trump questioned why America fought the Civil War. Even worse, then he questioned whom America fought in the Civil War. ‘Wait, I know this one. Was it — China?’ That’s right, President Trump questioned why America fought the Civil War. You know, at this rate the only way Trump is going to get a second term is if he’s held back.” — SETH MEYERS
The Bits Worth Watching
Did romance just bloom during a Nigel Farage video clip?
A history of the Civil War, starring Andrew Jackson.
What We’re Excited About on Tuesday Night
The endlessly hilarious Amy Schumer will talk to Stephen Colbert on “The Late Show” on Tuesday. She’ll probably discuss her new film, “Snatched,” which also features Goldie Hawn.
Also, Check This Out
Michael Moore will soon have his own Broadway show. Its goal? “To bring down a sitting president.”