Things Jimmy Kimmel’s Baby Should Have Done to Deserve Health Care, According to Republicans

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Live a ‘Good Life’

Alabama representative Mo Brooks likes the new Trumpcare provision that lets insurance companies charge anything they want to people with pre-existing conditions. Estimates of premiums for those folks are appalling. That means families like Jimmy Kimmel’s (including those with the same health problems but far less money) would have to pay thousands more every year—or go without insurance at all.

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“[Charging more to people with previous health problems] helps offset all these costs, thereby reducing the cost to those people who lead good lives, they’re healthy, they’ve done the things to keep their bodies healthy,” he said in a CNN interview. Hear that, Billy? You should have done things to keep your body healthy. Like, you know, grown a better heart.

Rep. Brooks does understand that people who live “good lives” get sick anyway. He just doesn’t care: “In fairness, a lot of these people with pre-existing conditions, they have those conditions through no fault of their own…I think our society, under those circumstances, needs to help. The challenge though is that it’s a tough balancing act between the higher cost of these mandates which denies people coverage because they can’t afford their health insurance policies…and having enough coverage to help those people truly in need.”

So we need to help, but not if it costs anybody any money. Maybe it’s Rep. Brooks who needs to grow a better heart?

Choose Not to Get Sick

“Of course, it’s a business model,” Pennsylvania representative Mike Kelly told CNN. “The greater the risk [you pose to the insurance company], the greater [your] premiums are going to be.”

He said this is fair to young and healthy people, who can now “pick and choose” their insurance, although it’s not clear how people get to “pick and choose” what health problems they had previously.

Get a Job in Congress

Since it’s hard to live a good life when you haven’t been born yet, or change your health history without a time machine and a magic wand, there is one more option: You can be a member of Congress, or you can work for one.

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The provisions of the MacArthur amendment don’t apply to members of Congress or their staff, so if Billy grows up to be a Congressman, he can’t be charged extra for his pre-existing condition and he’ll know that his family’s policy has to cover essential health benefits like maternity care and life-saving surgery. The rest of the AHCA would still apply, but its burdens fall hardest on older and lower income people, so if he can manage to be a wealthy, youngish person he should do just fine.

And if all else fails, he can just buy fewer iPhones.

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